Friendship paradox: Why young people feel ‘too connected to connect’

You know what’s happening in the lives of dozens of people. A friend from school has just had a baby. Someone you follow online recently got engaged. A colleague has returned from a holiday. Messages and updates arrive constantly. Yet when you’re having a difficult week, deciding who to call feels surprisingly hard. You’re connected – but you don’t feel it.

This paradox is increasingly familiar to many young adults. Despite being more connected than any previous generation, many report struggling to build friendships that provide a genuine sense of closeness, belonging and support. Young people have been described as “too connected to connect”.

You might feel you have more connections than ever before, but those connections can feel shallow, rushed and carefully staged. Relationships abound, but authenticity – the ability to be yourself – feels scarce.

In my own work, I’ve seen this in children who contort themselves into particular roles or identities to preserve family connection. Or in spouses and partners who hide parts of themselves to maintain a facade or status quo in a marriage or romantic relationship.

In essence, it is a form of conditional love: the idea that we are only lovable if we present particular sides of ourselves, while keeping others carefully edited or hidden away....

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