Is my wife’s masturbation killing our sex life?

She does it in secret and never wants to make love afterwards – but where does it leave me in the scheme of things?

My wife loves me, and she’s had multiple orgasms when we’re together, but from time to time she likes to go solo. I’m 65 and she’s 60 – we’ve been married for 40 years – so I know what she likes. During the day, she’ll go into the bedroom and lock the door – there’s really only one reason she would do that (though I never try to get in). After she does this, later that night, she wants to be spooned, but has no interest in having sex with me. It seems she’s satisfied already – so it’s goodnight for me! She denies what’s going on and I don’t think she wants to give up sex. But would you want to have another meal if you’re already full? What should I do here?

Masturbation does not usually prevent a person wanting or enjoying partner sex. But, for many people, it provides a qualitatively different kind of satisfaction; they are able – and want to – enjoy both self- and other-pleasuring. For women, many other feelings can accompany lovemaking, and sometimes it is a complex mixture – maybe love, pleasure, validation and perhaps even some feelings that might be considered negative such as pain, pride, neediness, anxiety, submission, anger and frustration – that they must overcome in order to orgasm.

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